Of immortality

I’ve had this strange feeling the last few days- one of a desire to be a part of something bigger. I long for a sense of community, but I can’t think of where I could find one. My daily train commute is spent reading (and it’s not like anyone else talks, anyway), I’m busy every minute of my day at work, then I go home and talk to my dog like a crazy person while I await my finance's return. I need my friends around more, I think.

But it’s not just that. I’m really missing the sense of community you get in school. I found a Master’s program that also has built-in Russian and German classes (which are vital to me, since I’m a novice at both), but I don’t know how to come up with the money. My finance's contract is expiring 2 weeks before we get married, and then it’s time to job-hunt again… Academics have been on my mind a lot lately, apparently. As we near the wedding, people are starting to bring up the “kids” issue. My fiancé feels that children make you immortal; that you will always live on in them and their children, et cetera. I disagree. They die, too, and to me the only thing that is immortal is something tangible. Books, articles, research- these are the things that are remembered. But I’m not totally cold and unfeeling. I’ve loved raising my puppy so far, and it’s been very interesting to watch her interactions with me, and how she responds to my moods and feelings.

However, these issues are going to have to get pushed to the back of my mind for now. It’s Friday, I got 3 hours of sleep because I saw the midnight screening of the new X-Files movie (everyone should go see it), and I’m hoping to go to the bar tonight. Let’s see if there’s another fight with some middle aged women…

So it continues

A month past, and much has happened. For some reason, we can't go to our bar without getting into fights with middle aged women. The first time, it was my fault.

These two women come in, bar hoping. They saddle up next to me to get shots and they keep hitting my chair. Leaning on it. Elbowing me in the back. There are only so many dirty looks I can shoot someone before I get irritated. When the women finally go to leave, I see the first one pass by and I lean in to my fiance, mutter "Thank God they're leaving", and the next thing I know, the second woman is in our face yelling at us: "Were you talking about me?"

Now, I'm usually the one in the relationship that antagonizes people. But my fiance proceeded to ridicule her for cutting into our conversation, one that had nothing to do with her. Even though it did.

Then, on the 4th of July, my fiance, our friend (who loves to get into logic arguments), and I go to the same bar (like I said, it is our bar). We eat dinner at a table and, when room opens up, we move to the bar. Our bartender makes room for us, a nice woman and her husband slide down, and the world is right again. Until the three of us engage in one of our favorite pastimes: arguing about language, logic, and semantics. Until this point, the woman who moved over had made a few comments along with us, and the bartenders, while we watched the fireworks. Everyone was having a good time. Until she heard me say "Irregardless is a word".

She literally leans across my friend and adds the convincing argument of "It's not a word. It's not a word. It's not a word." to our discussion like an ignored 4 year old.

The woman would not stop talking. She would not let us speak. So, to refrain from hitting her, I got up to use the restroom. She yells, "See- see her leaving instead of staying and talking this out? So typical. Just like your generation."

My friend, an apparent expert in handling crazy, drunk, Baby Boomers, manages to get her twisted up in her own logic (which included the revelation that we're a cult and we question too many things nowadays). Her final statement? Getting up mid-sentence and walking away.

Camping this weekend was more of the same. A close-minded person stirring up shit based on Wikipedia-gleaned facts that they managed to memorize and trot out to feel smart.

The moral of this story, kids: be prepared to defend yourself. Be smart and out-wit.

Or just have a lot of booze on hand.

Begin at the Beginning

I'm not really sure what I expect to get out of this. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to get anything out of it...although I feel that people are rarely altruistic.

I never read these things. I don't expect anyone else to read this. But I need to vent, and to do so with a neat little background and pretty pictures to obviously highlight that which I write about rather than in my little black Moleskines is an interesting change.

Anyway. Me. I'm engaged, 25, and pretty fed up with life. I haven't always been this way, and perhaps that's what I plan on using this blog (...the word itself makes me shudder) for: to air out my demons. No, I wasn't abused as a child and no, I don't blame everyone else for my problems. I know my issues lie squarely within my own being; how I understand and process things, nurture-over-nature type thinking. Some days I see no problem with this (the lady who whacked me in the head with your heavy bag on the train this morning: this one's for you), but others (the crying baby on the same train. The commute this morning pretty much sucked) make me feel that I've become inhuman. I've used my displeasure with my life and my feeling of intellectual superiority over the tired, huddled masses as a crutch and allowed them to make me feel that everything is beneath me.

Woe is me. Instead of studying to get into grad school like I so desperately want to, I see everything as out to get me and surrender myself to the forces of fate and genetics.

But does it have to be this way...